Perfect People

"To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all."
- Peter McWilliams

For awhile in high school I had a crush on a guy, 'Mitchell,' who was 2 years younger than me. We didn't have a whole lot in common, but he laughed at my jokes, which is right up there with 'Buy me cookies' on the list of Ways to Win Me Over. He ended up getting adopted into my group of friends, and we all spent a lot of good times together, doing marching band things, eating mexican food, and having big co-ed sleepovers at each other's houses. The sleepovers weren't ever illicit or anything, it was just easier to all crash at one person's house after hanging out all evening. However, one night me and Mitchell somehow ended up by ourselves while everyone else was in another room. We were just goofing off, wrestling, tickle-fighting, and doing whatever else goofy teenagers do when they're flirting. It would have been an excellent opportunity for one of us to put the moves on the other, but it just didn't happen. Later, I very casually hinted at the fact that we totally should have made out, and why didn't we? He said, "Well I knew you weren't going to make a move because you're the type of person that won't do anything unless you can be smooth about it."

I never had any reason to think that Mitchell was a particularly insightful person, but in this case his assessment was disturbingly apt. At the time, I would rather have missed the opportunity than go for it and face the consequences of 'failure,' whatever that might have been. I recognized that maybe this wasn't the best attitude for me to have, but on the other hand, his comment had kind of implied that I was "smooth," so obviously it was working, right? Still, to be honest, it was a little disheartening that my secret strategy was perhaps so obvious that even a self-absorbed high school freshman could see it.

It's frustrating that my approach to life hasn't changed much since that damn Mitchell made his unusually astute observation in high school. I wouldn't ordinarily refer to myself as a 'perfectionist,' because to me perfectionists are people that clean tile grout with toothbrushes, or obsess over getting the placement of every period and comma in an assignment just right, or insist on making all of their food from scratch, even if that means they have to churn butter. But in a way, I am a perfectionist. A really efficient perfectionist. I, too, have very high expectations for myself, and would like to do everything I do perfectly. But unlike less astute perfectionists, I realize that there's no way I can do everything perfectly. So I've resolved to just not even bother doing things that I don't have a reasonable chance of doing really well. And just like that, problem solved, I'm perfect!

I know what you're wondering, and yes, being perfect is really pretty great, and you should totally give it a try. You get free box seats at sporting events, you never have to wait for a dinner table, people are constantly taking their shirts off and throwing themselves at you, and bartenders are required to give you complimentary shots. The only problem is that this approach to life sort of limits you a little. For example, if you get home from work and you're a little tired, you won't be allowed to go to the gym, because you wouldn't be able to give it your all, and Perfect People don't half-ass their workouts, they stay at home. Also, you can't ever try anything you've never done before, because you'll probably make some mistakes, and Perfect People don't make mistakes. And of course, as we learned at the beginning of this post, you can never ever make the first move in a relationship, because you might screw it up or get rejected, and I think we all know that Perfect People never get rejected.

Now that I think it through, though, being 'perfect' is actually kind of a pain in the ass, in spite of all of the (completely imaginary) perks that come with it. Before you adopt this lifestyle, I'm going to look into what it takes to be 'whatever the hell I feel like,' and then I'll get back to you.