Remember that post about how life was difficult and stupid and uncertain and I have no choice but to suck it up and cross my fingers and breathe through the uncertainty? Naturally, because I posted that, everything has been worked out. So we can go ahead and take the anxiety threat level down from Nonsensical Philosophizing and return it to Everyday Hand-Wringing. For the most part. There are still some questions about what's going to happen in the future, and more than likely I'm going to run up against some really obnoxious obstacles in the next year or two, but I've got to focus on the here and now and just enjoy what I have in front of me.
It's interesting how it's only the hazy mid-range future that really freaks me out. I'm not concerned about what will happen 10 years from now, because there's no way for me to even begin to imagine what it will be. And I'm not troubled by what will happen tomorrow because anything that I'd be able to foresee has already been accounted and planned for. It's that middle distance that makes me feel unsettled: close enough that I can imagine plenty of negative scenarios (a personal hobby of mine), but far enough away that there's very little I can do to prevent or prepare for those negative outcomes. But whatever. I choose to believe that I've been put in this situation so that I can finally finally learn to just live in the moment. Let's sing and enjoy the sunshine while we can. Moving on!
Over the weekend, I had a birthday. I didn't feel particularly older the day of my birthday than I had before, but I suppose that's to be expected when you're turning 24. There's not a lot of significance in the age of 24. I'm thinking it will just be another number I'm going to have trouble remembering. However, over the past year or so, I have noticed that I'm getting really terrible at telling how old people are. My classification system used to look something like this:
Looks about my age = 20s
Looks young, but seems like a grown up = 30s
Definitely a generation above me, but younger than my parents = 40s
Could be my parents = 50s
Could be someone's grandparents = 60+
...And from there you just kind of adjust up based on perceived degree of frailty.
At this point, however, my inner age yardstick is all screwed up and my old decision-making rules are failing me horribly. The main problem is that I keep thinking people at or near 30 are my peers. And I guess they technically are my peers now, in the grown-up world, but they're not peers in the sense that they could have gone to school with me and pressured me to take drugs back in the 90s. For example, there's an intern at work that I thought for sure was about my age, and when I found out he was 29 (30 in October), I felt like I'd been tricked. I was also a little alarmed that perhaps I had not shown him the respect that a man of his age deserves. Had I ever cursed in front of him? Made inappropriate comments? What if I had unknowingly ordered him around? Then I decided that this was totally ridiculous, since he's only 6 years older than me. He couldn't even have babysat me when I was an infant! Who does he think he is, expecting me to show him some kind of respect??
I had a similar feeling of confusion when I found out that Sweetney turned 39. Sweetney is the mother of a young child, and someone who was young and rad during the 80s, from what I can tell. She's attractive and hip (moreso than me, if we're all being honest), and as far as I'm concerned, all of these things place her firmly in her 30s, not at almost-40*.
And don't get me started on my parents. They are clearly not old enough to have two 20-something children. Nevertheless, it hit me the other day as I stood in the break room making coffee: I am my parents' child, and yet I am also a grown-ass woman who lives by herself, pays bills, and goes to work every day. I could buy a car if I wanted! My parents are definitely not old enough to have 2 adult children, and yet here I sit, my mere existence flying boldly in the face of logic and reason. Who the hell do I think I am?? Next you'll be telling me that one day my parents will turn 60.
Wait, what?? I think I need to lie down.
My point is, the whole experience of adulthood has been very strange for me, so far. Does this ever stop? I thought that once I finished school I would reach a point of stability, where I suddenly had a handle on life and was The Boss of things (much like Tony Danza). But I'm beginning to get the feeling that ages 24 thru 70 are going to be one long adjustment period and to be honest, I'm feeling a little deceived. If I'd known I was going to feel just as confused about life now as I did when I was 16 (except now with an extra unsettling self-awareness!), I would have just stayed in college.
*Not that there's anything wrong with being almost-40, or almost-any age, obviously. It's just that I'm SO CONFUSED.
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