Your Source For Pop Culture News, A Month After It Was News

Over the weekend I saw this little film which you probably haven't heard of. It was called Star Trek? It's mostly about these two guys, 'James Kirk' and 'Spock,' who live in the future and are part of, like, this space military called 'Starfleet,' and they fly around in a space ship called 'the USS Enterprise' and some crazy shit goes down with Romulans and then they handle it and everything works out. Also Leonard Nimoy makes a bit of a cameo, but you probably don't even know who that is, so I don't know why I'm even mentioning it. Apparently there used to be a television show by the same name, and it was pretty popular, so I'm not sure why they haven't made a movie about it before now. At any rate, I just want you to know that Star Trek is a fantastic movie and it's very important to me that you see it as soon as possible, and then several more times after that. I think that you will find it enjoyable even if you have little previous knowledge of the Star Trek universe. It's the perfect mix of loud noises and explosions and humor and good times that you expect to see when you go to the cinema over the summer.

One thing about the movie that took me a little by surprise was how many members of the cast I found myself wanting to make sweet love to. I've always been a bit of a contrarian, prone to zigging with others expect me to zag, especially with regard to the kind of people I find attractive. In high school, there were always plenty of blonde-haired, blue-eyed athletic types that were the approved focus of the sexy fantasies of teenage girls. But no, those were not for me. Give me the quieter brown-eyed misfits, the ones that are equally likely to write poetry or have a gigantic music collection or read a lot of science fiction or make sarcastic comments under their breath. I like my men a little mysterious and misunderstood. This should come as no surprise to you, if you recall that I was in marching band.

(Related to quiet, mysterious men: In the movie, Spock makes a big deal about how important it is for Vulcans to keep their emotions completely under control and hidden way down deep inside. Me, to Lee: "Lee, be honest. Are you a Vulcan?")

Given my tendency to be too cool for the guys that 'everyone else' likes, when I heard all the buzz surrounding the hotness of the actor that was to play Capt. Kirk:

... I was all, "Whatever man, he's just another bland, pretty face that everybody will drool over because someone with authority declared him to be hot. Plus, look at his poofy hair." And since the film's only other option for eye candy was Spock, who would ordinarily be more my type, except I'm not so into the Vulcan eyebrows and pointy ears....

... I figured going in that this movie would be enjoyable and entertaining, but would not provide much in the way of fire for my loins. Imagine my surprise, then, when I left the theater not only blown away by the quality of the film, but also carrying a deep conviction that I would one day run away to a deserted island with Kirk and Spock, to live out our days in a spirit of mutual understanding, love, and boning.

(Fact: this past weekend my mother asked me to please stop using the word 'boning.' )

Truth be told, I think it was the good storytelling that warmed my icy heart in favor of the two men. You see, Kirk has a troubled past! He's a bad boy, yet he's super intelligent! He sticks to his guns and never gives up! And Spock! He's torn between two worlds! He doesn't know how to express himself, unsure when to follow his heart and when to bend to logic! Also, have you seen his beautiful brown eyes? I like brown eyes.

(And ok, I like passionate men who obviously need a woman to help them stay grounded. I could be that woman, you know? I could help Kirk settle down! I can show Spock how to feel! I swear Mom, I can change him! Ahem.)

Luckily, before I got too carried away by my fantasies of the dirty sexy times spent with the crew of the Enterprise, my date began to tell me his opinion on the film, opening with: "See, the thing is, Star Wars fans take great pride in the fact that our galaxy..." And that phrase was so adorable that I was rendered unable to ever think about another man again.

The end.