In August, I said goodbye to my roommate and moved into a one-bedroom apartment by myself. It's a lovely place, albeit probably a bit more money than I ought to be spending right now. I lived with my roommate for my first two years in town, and I'm glad I did, because it saved me some money and she was a good roommate, in general. She paid the bills on time, she mostly cleaned up after herself, and she never threw any wild parties or brought home any drifters (that I know of). Nevertheless, I am thrilled to be rid of her, and so I shall compile a list of her faults now.
1) She talked to the television, nearly constantly.
2) She would get drunk on wine once a week, and the wine always made her talk to the TV even more.
3) She only drank cabernet sauvignon, which she referred to as "cab sav."
4) She was incapable of drinking wine without spilling it at least once, which then had to be followed by a loud and drunken rush to clean it up.
5) She almost never took out the trash or the recycling, even though it was always full-to-bursting with empty cab sav bottles.
6) Anytime she had a group project for school, she insisted on hosting the whole group at our apartment and cooking dinner for them. (Had these people never heard of coffee shops?)
7) Once, she invited 7 people over for dinner and forgot to tell me, so that I woke up from a late afternoon nap (shut up) to the sounds of a congregation in my kitchen.
8) She always left the pantry door open.
9) She once put cheese in the knife drawer by accident, and we didn't find it for a week.
10) She left the milk out on the counter one morning and it was spoiled by the time I got home.
11) She would always roll around on the couch and jack up the slipcover, and never straightened it when she got up.
12) She never pushed her chair back under the table when she got up.
13) She had all of her phone conversations on speakerphone, with her bedroom door open.
14) Whenever her boyfriend was over, they laid on each other on the couch.
15) She once complained that she weighed 130, which was "the most she had ever weighed," and as a result she could "feel her belly shake when she walked."
16) She liked to watch Jersey Shore, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Chelsea Lately, and awards shows.
17) She got up early to watch the Royal Wedding, and enjoyed it so much that she watched the highlights all over again on E! later that day.
18) She kept her bikes (two of them) in the dining room.
19) She offered to care for her friend's cat all summer, and then took a job in another city, leaving me alone to care for the cat 4 days a week. The cat was a prodigious urinater, by the way.
20) Whenever she didn't understand something, she would repeat it loudly and incredulously, and then declare it "weird."
Some of these complaints are reasonable, and some of them are not. I know that, but I can't tell the difference, which is why I have to live by myself. I would probably be hard-pressed to find a better roommate than this girl. She even gave me a gift when I got my Master's in May. Nevertheless, living with her drove me crazy. It seems that my standards for perfection are too high, my fault-finder too sensitive, my desire for privacy and for people to SERIOUSLY-QUIT-TOUCHING-MY-SHIT too extreme. So now I have no choice but to live by myself in a one-bedroom apartment, slowly spending down my savings in an effort to secure that priceless commodity that I like to call "a dining room that doesn't look like a bike messenger's garage."
I'll tell you what, though: the pantry door is always closed, and I can finally watch TV in peace.
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