I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I have next to no skill at hiding my emotions.
I'm referring specifically to negative emotions, and it might be true for positive emotions, too, but how often do people really try to hide their positive emotions? The few times I've tried, really challenged myself and said, "No. Today, we keep our hurt/anger/outrage/sadness to ourselves. Today, we shall have a lengthy conversation with the very object of our negativity, and he/she will be NONE THE WISER," it's never been very successful, in my opinion.
I usually start with what I consider to be an excellent impersonation of someone who is not upset. Unfortunately, I always feel like me impersonating a not-upset person makes me sound very weird and overly small-talky. "Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?" I'll say. "How's your mother doing? Have you spoken with Cecil lately? I'd heard his getting married." Seriously, the only way it would sound any more artificial would be if I were sipping a cup of tea and speaking with a British accent. I don't normally talk like this, which is why it shocks me sometimes that people don't pick up on it and ask me what my problem is. I think the reason I ask all these questions is to keep the other person talking. I'm not capable of carrying on my end of the conversation, because all I can hear in my head is "ARGH! ANGRY! HULK SMASH!" and there are tornadoes blowing through my mind and glass shattering and double wides getting stuck in very tall trees. And all the while my mouth is blathering on about the weather, and what did you do today? and oh, isn't that nice.
It doesn't matter when they can't pick up on all the question-asking, though, because I can really only keep up the charade for a few hours, at most. I start getting twice as angry, because, dammit, you know what's wrong. You know very well what the problem is and that I'm angry about it, and I'm trying to be the bigger person here and not mention the thing that YOU KNOW is a problem, and you're just TAKING ADVANTAGE of my big-ness, you're just going to let me pretend that nothing is wrong and THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS APOLOGIZE OH GOD ANGER RISING RAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH. And then, often, rather than letting the person know what's really bothering me, I will engage them in an argument about whatever it is we happen to be talking about instead of talking about the thing that is bothering me. How dare you bring up Grey's Anatomy! You know how much that show pisses me off! You never loved me! And then in the course of the argument about nothing, while everyone is getting good and worked up (or I'm getting worked up and the other person is completely baffled), I'll accidentally let slip whatever it was that was actually on my mind all that time. And then everyone knows! Great! It's a win-win situation for no one!
Anyway, this is just one of the many ways in which I am pretty much terrible at hiding anything. Next time: How come when I get really anxious, my legs kind of go numb and feel all floaty? Is that just me?
2 comments:
It's Adrienne and I'm still with you! Good job being honest about what you struggle with. And no it's not just you, it's tough to deal with negative emotions. This post makes me giggle a little bit because it's pretty clearly written by a psych major. =)
Look at your bright shiny new blog! Still with you, girlfriend, and I hope you'll still read xanga from time to time!
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