Gratitude: Special Reflection Edition!

I've been working on this self-imposed gratitude project, dutifully listing my 5 things I'm grateful for every day for the past few weeks, kind of like an elaborate elementary school essay assignment. I'm not sure exactly what I expected to get out of it when I started, I just figured it would be something different to do, and something my legions of readers would be able to follow along with. And I guess I thought maybe it would give me some more zest for life, make me more the sort of person who stops and stares in wonder at tulips, or something. (Although the idea that I need anything to make me any more sentimental is kind of ridiculous. Do you have any idea how often I cry??) I'm not sure that I've experienced any kind of dramatic effect on my life (yet!), but I have noticed some habits of mine that I didn't previously pay much attention to.

For example, occasionally when I'm writing my daily list I feel an urge to spice it up, lest I be mistaken for some kind of giiiirl with earnest feeeeeelings. Yuck. For some reason it is a little disheartening and distasteful for me to just say, "These things fill me with joy: sunshine and lollipops and newborn puppies - er, guinea pigs. So there. The end." On the one hand, I think this is because I don't feel like it's entertaining, and when I have someone's attention (via blog or eyeholes or whatever), I feel compelled to entertain them. Also, it's a kind of vulnerability, telling people what you like. Telling people what you don't like makes you seem kind of badass, like some kind of Supreme Judge-y Judgerperson. People may disagree with you, but they will also fear that they will someday become the focus of your righteous ire, so they probably won't mess with you too much. On the other hand, bitching about things also makes me nervous I'm inadvertantly insulting someone I love, so pretty much it's best if I never share my thoughts ever, unless they're of the "Hitler was pretty mean guy" variety.

What was I saying? Sharing feelings, right. Anyway, sharing negative feelings makes you seem badass, but sharing positive feelings can make you vulnerable. You're saying, "This element of life is precious to me, it touches my soul in the most tender places." There's a fear that people can use this knowledge of what is precious to you to get to those tender places and jack them all up. This is why people fear being the first person to say 'I love you.' Because then the other person knows that they have gained access to an unprotected doorway to your heart, and they can use this knowledge however they like. Like when you're playing a video game and you're fighting the main boss guy and he's like a giant turtle or something and you figure out that if you jump on his shell in this one specific place it hurts him REALLY BAD. Point being, now that I've revealed my true feelings, nefarious types know that if they want to make me cry, all they have to do is murder baby guinea pigs in front of me.

If you're just tuning in, you're reading "Trust Issues," with Ms. Pizzazz.

At any rate, I realized that I feel a little uncomfortable sharing pure, unadulterated positive feelings (at least in the form of gratitude-related posts). It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. So, there's that to reflect upon.

Another thing I've noticed is that when I sit down and start trying to think of good things about my day, or things that I'm feeling satisfied with, I mostly think of things that didn't happen. What I mean is, instead of thinking of good things I experienced that day, all I can think of our bad things I expected to experience, but which ultimately didn't occur. Examples include: 'at least I didn't have to spend $500 on my car like I thought I would,' or 'I expected to get fired today but I didn't,' or 'at least I wasn't murdered in my sleep.' I could understand this sort of attitude from someone whose life is legitimately difficult (Quadruple amputee: "I'm just grateful I wasn't decapitated today"), but I think that I'm probably spoiled enough that I should be able to be grateful for actual positive things, and not just a lack of shittiness. So in that sense it's been a useful exercise, because it's made me question my usual attitude toward life. I mean, how happy can you really be when you just spend the whole day waiting for bad things to happen? So let's turn that it into some sort of positive resolution to live life better: I'm gonna try to... uhh... not be so... pessimistic and anxious? Wait. I think I already made that resolution once. Every year of my life since 6th grade.

Moving on... the final thing I've noticed as a result of this gratitude exercise is that when I finally move past the "well at least the gerbils didn't burst into flames today" mentality, 90% of the things I manage to come up with are either food- or TV-related. This explains why I keep having the nagging sensation that I am chunky and uninteresting. It also makes me grateful for the fact that in August I'll be moving in with someone who is a) a human being, capable of conversation and socialization and b) super-active and fit and marathon-y. Bam! Two birds with one stone! She can teach me how to do things like be tall and thin and leave the house, and I'll teach her how to do things like share all her feelings with the unconditionally accepting glow of the internet.

In conclusion, making a daily list of things for which you are grateful will make you stronger, more fearless, and more optimistic. You will also lose weight and make more friends. If that sounds like too much trouble though, you can still get all of these benefits from just reading my blog. YOU'RE WELCOME.