First Draft of a Letter

To the reviewers responsible for rejecting my article:

Thank you for taking the time to carefully review the very first article for which I have been the lead author. I appreciate the care and consideration that you each put into criticizing every element of the paper, down to my choice of words in the third paragraph on page 20. I have to admit that I was apprehensive about the experience of having my article "peer-reviewed." I see now however that I was woefully unprepared. Rest assured that you all have the distinction of being without peer. That is, I can say with certainty that you have no peer in the department where I work. I haven't checked the pre-kindergarten down the road, however; perhaps your peers can be found there.

Nevertheless, your comments have been very useful to me and my co-authors. As I continue my career in academia, it will be useful to keep in mind how a well-written article may be received by readers with only the barest grasp of reading comprehension. For instance, although we state very clearly in our methods section that our sample size is roughly 200 participants, your comments repeatedly refer to a sample of 500. My co-authors and I obviously made a grave error when we assumed that our peers would understand the difference between these two numbers. Perhaps if we had compared the number 200 to something more concrete, like "nearly four times the number of crayons in a big box of Crayolas"? We will consider this approach as we begin work on our next draft.

Other things that we will keep in mind in for the next draft, per your suggestions: the importance of incorporating variables that have nothing to do with our research questions, the necessity of using entirely different statistical methods, and the need for repeatedly repeating again the many things that we already said once but which somehow escaped your attention. We will submit this revised draft to you as quickly as time allows. If the same group of reviewers is unavailable to provide feedback on the new draft, feel free to send it to a group of untrained monkeys. I feel certain that their response will be consistent with yours.

Regards,
A colleague.

I'm thinking that perhaps I should write a second draft, now that I've got that off my chest. I want to assure you all that there's no need to feel bad for me, though. Most articles don't get published the first time they're submitted. We'll just take their suggestions, revise it, and submit it again, no big deal. Obviously I just need to grow a thicker skin and get more accustomed to the process. But even when this article is finally published, don't think I'll forget the infinite ineptitude of this group of reviewers. Oh no. I'll NEVER FORGET.