Skillz

I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at falling down.

I know what you're thinking. "Anyone can fall down," you say. "Why, I'll do it right now!" I swear, the lengths you people will go to in order to prove me wrong. Now sit down, press this paper towel to your bleeding nose, and pay attention.

Anyone can fall down, I know this. But falling down well is an art form. It takes more than just giving in to gravity; all that will get you is broken wrists and shame. Falling down well, on the other hand, will gain you a sense of self-respect and accomplishment.

For example, I have fallen up steps on multiple occasions. This is because my legs sometimes forget where my toes are. When this happens, my leg stupidly smashes my toes against the edges of steps, while the rest of my body is trying to continue forward motion. This results in a kind of lurching, pecking, stomping walk up the next few steps while I catch myself. This walk probably sounds incredibly stupid to you, but that's because you're using the wrong frame of reference. You're comparing it to normal walking, which is unfair. In reality, you should compare it to what would have happened if I weren't so good at falling: a broken nose and a lot of hard-to-explain bruises. Also possibly some crying.

The best fall-up-stairs I've ever had was when I was in high school. There was a big staircase in my high school which led from the entryway to an open hallway at the top. This made the staircase visible to the entire cafeteria, most of the upstairs hallway, and the whole lobby of the school. It was a perfect stage for my accomplishment, is what I'm saying.

One day after school had ended, I was walking up the stairs with some friends to retrieve our things from our lockers. As we neared the top of the staircase, I was so engrossed in our conversation that my legs forgot about my toes again, and I stubbed my them aggressively against the next step. I felt the familiar feeling of my upper body continuing forward while my lower body ruined everything, and I saw the hard tile floor rushing toward my face. As time slowed down, I became acutely aware of the approximately 350 other students who were about to witness a girl dramatically breaking her face.

At the last moment, however, my ninja-like falling skillz came into play and I twisted my body around in an effort to protect my face. Before I even knew what I was doing, I had landed on my butt, sitting upright at the top of the stairs, completely uninjured. It must have looked as though I had suddenly gotten tired of walking and simply decided to settle down at the top of the stairs, perhaps to enjoy a cup of tea. Strange, yes, but a far cry from public injury and humiliation.

Things like this happen to me pretty often, so I think you can see what I mean when I say that I'm pretty great at falling down. You may also be wondering why these abilities don't translate to other things, like not ever falling down in the first place. To be honest, I don't know. I can only assume that not falling down in the first place involves an entirely different skill set.

Stick around, and sometime I'll tell you about the time I ran over my own foot with a three-wheeler.