Indiana Jones and the Kitchen Nightmare

In August, shortly after I moved into my new apartment, I got a puppy.

Here she is back then, napping with some things she planned to destroy.

When I got her, she was about 4 months old. She was the product of an unplanned pregnancy on the part of my brother's beagle. (They considered sending her off to a boarding school for unwed mothers, but ultimately decided the tuition was too high.) I had wanted a dog for awhile but I felt like I should wait until I had a home with a yard, and possibly a dog butler, which is definitely a thing that exists. But then my brother had illegitimate mutt puppies, and one of the potential owners backed out, and, you know, puppies!! So now here we are.


Oh, sorry, let me just...

Ah, yes, HERE we are.

Objectively, I'd have to say that Stella is the best, most beautiful dog in the world. She is definitely half beagle, but she is also definitely half something-much-larger-than-a-beagle. We've visited her little beagle mom a few times, and Stella is at least twice her size. She weighs a little over 40lbs, although maybe that's too much, because a woman at the dog park called her fat a few months ago. (That woman is currently regretting her choice of words at the bottom of a river.) Mainly she's just built kind of like a golf cart, all small and square. She doesn't run particularly fast, but she is super strong, and could probably pull a smallish rickshaw given the right motivation.

Since her lineage was questionable, I'm lucky she turned out cute and relatively well-behaved. She whines a lot when she's bored (I am quite often boring to her), and I can't give her any toys that aren't made of steel, because she'll destroy them and swallow the pieces. But in general, she knows what is and isn't allowed, and she's friendly with people and other dogs, and she hasn't torn down the house yet.

Ok, enough of this online dating profile of my dog! Time for an interesting story! ... About my dog.

Like many dogs, Stella likes to lick the dirty plates as I load them into the dishwasher. A few weeks ago, she had her head pretty far in there, licking the plates at the back of the bottom rack. When she started to pull her head out, the whole plastic rack moved, and she paused for a second to think through the situation. About the same time I realized that she must have gotten her collar hooked on the rack, she decided that the best way to deal with this was with running away. She backed up again, the rack moved again,and so she backed up as fast as she could, dragging the entire rack out of the dishwasher. Luckily, at that point it came loose from her collar and crashed to the floor, showering her with a hail of silverware as she darted out of the kitchen and into the living room.

Which is where she spent the next hour, sitting as far away from the kitchen as she could get, staring wide-eyed and alert in the general direction of the dishwasher. And later, when she needed a drink of water, she went to the edge of the kitchen and kept her feet planted on the carpet while she streeeetched her neck over to her water bowl.

Needless to say, it was one of the most excellent things that has ever happened, and it totally makes up for all those trips outside in the cold to watch her pee.

Your Source For Pop Culture News, A Month After It Was News

Over the weekend I saw this little film which you probably haven't heard of. It was called Star Trek? It's mostly about these two guys, 'James Kirk' and 'Spock,' who live in the future and are part of, like, this space military called 'Starfleet,' and they fly around in a space ship called 'the USS Enterprise' and some crazy shit goes down with Romulans and then they handle it and everything works out. Also Leonard Nimoy makes a bit of a cameo, but you probably don't even know who that is, so I don't know why I'm even mentioning it. Apparently there used to be a television show by the same name, and it was pretty popular, so I'm not sure why they haven't made a movie about it before now. At any rate, I just want you to know that Star Trek is a fantastic movie and it's very important to me that you see it as soon as possible, and then several more times after that. I think that you will find it enjoyable even if you have little previous knowledge of the Star Trek universe. It's the perfect mix of loud noises and explosions and humor and good times that you expect to see when you go to the cinema over the summer.

One thing about the movie that took me a little by surprise was how many members of the cast I found myself wanting to make sweet love to. I've always been a bit of a contrarian, prone to zigging with others expect me to zag, especially with regard to the kind of people I find attractive. In high school, there were always plenty of blonde-haired, blue-eyed athletic types that were the approved focus of the sexy fantasies of teenage girls. But no, those were not for me. Give me the quieter brown-eyed misfits, the ones that are equally likely to write poetry or have a gigantic music collection or read a lot of science fiction or make sarcastic comments under their breath. I like my men a little mysterious and misunderstood. This should come as no surprise to you, if you recall that I was in marching band.

(Related to quiet, mysterious men: In the movie, Spock makes a big deal about how important it is for Vulcans to keep their emotions completely under control and hidden way down deep inside. Me, to Lee: "Lee, be honest. Are you a Vulcan?")

Given my tendency to be too cool for the guys that 'everyone else' likes, when I heard all the buzz surrounding the hotness of the actor that was to play Capt. Kirk:

... I was all, "Whatever man, he's just another bland, pretty face that everybody will drool over because someone with authority declared him to be hot. Plus, look at his poofy hair." And since the film's only other option for eye candy was Spock, who would ordinarily be more my type, except I'm not so into the Vulcan eyebrows and pointy ears....

... I figured going in that this movie would be enjoyable and entertaining, but would not provide much in the way of fire for my loins. Imagine my surprise, then, when I left the theater not only blown away by the quality of the film, but also carrying a deep conviction that I would one day run away to a deserted island with Kirk and Spock, to live out our days in a spirit of mutual understanding, love, and boning.

(Fact: this past weekend my mother asked me to please stop using the word 'boning.' )

Truth be told, I think it was the good storytelling that warmed my icy heart in favor of the two men. You see, Kirk has a troubled past! He's a bad boy, yet he's super intelligent! He sticks to his guns and never gives up! And Spock! He's torn between two worlds! He doesn't know how to express himself, unsure when to follow his heart and when to bend to logic! Also, have you seen his beautiful brown eyes? I like brown eyes.

(And ok, I like passionate men who obviously need a woman to help them stay grounded. I could be that woman, you know? I could help Kirk settle down! I can show Spock how to feel! I swear Mom, I can change him! Ahem.)

Luckily, before I got too carried away by my fantasies of the dirty sexy times spent with the crew of the Enterprise, my date began to tell me his opinion on the film, opening with: "See, the thing is, Star Wars fans take great pride in the fact that our galaxy..." And that phrase was so adorable that I was rendered unable to ever think about another man again.

The end.

You Can Thank Whats-His-Face For This

This. Is the greatest thing that's happened to me in years.



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