I Think It's Obvious That I'm The Real Victim Here

Bailiff: Docket #4598-3A, The State vs. Leftover Chocolate Frosting, the Honorable Creamsicle McNichol presiding!

Judge: Alright everyone, settle down. This is obviously a very unusual case, so I'd like to hear from the representative for the state, first. Counselor, why have you brought this prisoner here today?

DA(??): Your honor, the state is concerned about this prisoner's presence here within our borders, and we'd like to have him moved to another facility as soon as possible. We have no way of knowing how much longer he'll be in the Refrigerator, and we consider his impending release into The Apartment to be a public safety risk.

Judge: I see. Mr. Frosting, I see you're representing yourself today? What do you have to say for yourself?

Leftover Chocolate Frosting: Well, your honor, I don't see how this is fair, bein as how I'm just a product of my upbringing. I was brought into The Apartment when I was just a little guy, still wearing hardly nothin but my vacuum-sealed foil top. Only reason I'm even in this mess is cuz I'm a victim of circumstances, ya know? I had a job, and I was doin it real well, but then the cupcakes ran out and I was out on my ass -

Judge: Watch it, Mr. Frosting!

LCF: Yes'm, I'm sorry, I don't mean no disrespect. What I mean to say is, my only crime is having too much to give, really. Once I'm out the Refrigerator, I'd love to get me a good job doin what God intended, but who's gonna want me? At my age, I only got enough left in me to cover maybe half a dozen cupcakes or the corner of a birthday cake. These days, bakers are lookin for somebody younger, full to the brim with potential, even you people gotta be able to see that. So, when I get out, I'll try to stay legit, but if I can't, I'm not just gonna go straight to the Garbage, no ma'am.

DA: Your Honor, I think it's obvious what Mr. Frosting is trying to say here! There's no doubt that once he's released into The Apartment, he intends to become engaged in criminal activities! It is CLEAR -

LCF: That ain't true! I can't help what I am!

DA: - Your Honor, it is obvious that he intends nothing less than to work his way, spoonful by illicit spoonful, onto the hips and thighs of the constituency of this great state!

Judge: ORDER! Gentlemen, if you cannot control your tempers, I will find you both in contempt of this court!

LCF: I apologize, Your Honor, but I can't sit by and let this man just throw me in the Garbage when it's the system that has failed, not me!

DA: Your Honor, the state does not necessarily propose that the Garbage is the right place for this man, only that he can no longer remain in the Refrigerator of this Apartment. It is the state's responsibility to balance individuals' rights against the best interest of society as a whole, and it is clear to us that if Mr. Frosting is allowed to remain here he poses a serious risk to the health of The Apartment's residents.

Judge: I'll kindly ask you not to lecture me about the state's responsibility, Counselor. I went to law school as well, you know. Mr. Frosting, how do you propose to reassure the state regarding your good intentions? What steps have you taken to ensure that you will be properly employed once you are released from the Refrigerator, and not just eaten straight from the can with a spoon?

LCF: Well, Your Honor, I - AAAAAHHHH! WHAT IS THAT?!?

The Author: Enough of this talk! OM NOM NOM NOM.

LCF: IT HURTS! IT HURTS! MAMA, I'M COMIN HOME!!

Judge: OH THE HUMANITY!

LCF: AAAAAUUUUUGHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO MY CHOCOLATEY INSIDES

DA: *sigh.* I told you this would happen. I'm going home.

The Author: Yum.

An Excerpt From a North Carolina Travel Guide

"... In Chapel Hill, driving should generally be avoided at all costs, due to the extremely popular town-wide pastime of crossing the road. A Chapel Hill resident usually initiates a street-crossing by aggressively darting out into traffic. If this opening gamble does not result in the pedestrian being run over, the person's gait immediately degenerates into a drunken meander across the road. As a driver, you should never attempt to carry on your way once the pedestrian is out of your immediate path - even if the light is green - for 2 reasons: 1) other, less-confident street-crossers (recent transplants to the city, no doubt) often become emboldened by the first pedestrian's success at stopping traffic, and will then initiate their own belated crossing. 2) A Chapel Hill street-crosser is often wearing headphones and will never ever look directly at the traffic bearing down on him or her. Thus, there is little indication that he or she is aware of the traffic at all, and it is therefore best if all cars remain stationary until the street-crosser has safely reached the other side of the road. At this point, the street-crosser can begin searching in earnest for another road to cross, and the driver may continue on until the next crosswalk, which is usually roughly 60 feet away."

One Liner

I tried to fight my addiction to Google calendar, but when it came time to schedule my rehab visit, I relapsed.


(See also: instant rim shot?)