And Four Months Ago, I Thought It Was Impossible

Considering it's been a week since I ran the half marathon (and 17 years since I last posted), I reckon it's about time I debriefed the troops.

(Which is you guys. You're my troops, didn't I tell you?)

Alright! So. This is going to be a long one, better settle in. The half I ran was the Rock 'n' Roll Virginia Beach half marathon, which took place on September 5th. I, my co-runner H, and our Official Spectator E all made a weekend of it, going down on Friday afternoon and returning on Monday. When we got there Friday night we took a trip down to the beachfront (our hotel was actually about 20 min inland) to get dinner and drinks and check out the sights. Virgina Beach has an awesome boardwalk that I greatly enjoyed, and which makes up the last mile of the race. Friday night there was a concert near the boardwalk and some booths nearby where people were selling things. We had a delightful conversation with some young men who were selling hot dogs and pickles "that will change your life." Unfortunately (?), no part of that last sentence was a euphemism. We also found a tent where some people were selling air-brushed tattoos. My friend E wanted one, so I took the opportunity to get something intimidating air-brushed on me for good luck.


The hirsute arm to the left is mine, and my tat is (naturally) a hot pink T-Rex. I'm not sure if you can tell, but there's also glitter on it. One of the girls gave it a name, but I can't remember what it was, so let's just assume it was Clancy. Clancy graciously stuck around through Sunday, and I did indeed look to him for inspiration at some point late in the race.

Saturday morning we got up and went to the Health & Fitness Expo. Apparently, most big races have Expos beforehand where the runners can go pick up their bibs, timing chips, and free t-shirts. There's also, of course, a bunch of booths set up selling running paraphernalia. I didn't end up buying anything, but that's really only because I wanted one of EVERYTHING and I couldn't decide what to spend my money on. (This is how most shopping trips go for me, actually.) Walking into the Expo, I had to fight back tears, and I still can't really explain why. Maybe it's because of the cheerleaders they had lined up to cheer for everyone as they walked in (!!), or because it was the first time the whole thing felt really real to me, or maybe it's just because I was walking around with this gigantic, diverse group of people and they were all Runners and I was a Runner too, as far as they were all concerned. Whatever the reason, I got a little emotional, like I do. But once the tears dried, I could more clearly see all the sweet perks. Free granola bars! A card for 10% off at P.F. Chang's, good for a year! Temporary tattoos from Dodge, for some reason! (They were a race sponsor, not that that really explains the tattoos.) My favorite piece of (not free) merchandise at the Expo was a car magnet that said, "In my dreams, I am a Kenyan." That pretty much sums it up, right there.

Sometime Saturday night was when I started panicking about the race. I wasn't ready, I didn't have my stuff together, I couldn't remember how to run. We were going to get lost on our way there, or be late, and miss the start. It all seemed very serious. I picked a fight with my race partner and everyone went to bed in an uneasy mood.

When race day dawned, however, we were all so excited (and punch-drunk from lack of sleep) that we forgot our anxiety in favor of stumbling around in the dark and laughing at things that weren't particularly funny. We got up at about 4:45 and suited up, and then there were bananas and bagels to eat and coffee to drink and who knows what else. Because our hotel was so far away from the beachfront, we had to drive to the amphitheater to park and catch shuttles to the start line. The shuttle ride itself was 20 minutes, and we were (I was) worried about getting to the start line by the time the gun went off at 7. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, until we got within a mile of the amphitheater, at which point it became apparent that everyone in Virgina Beach was there, as well as some people from neighboring counties who came out JUST TO GET IN MY WAY. Even once we had finally parked, there was a long line for the shuttles, where we had to wait for about 15 minutes while I vibrated with anxiety.

When we finally arrived at the start line, we still had to use the porta-potties, which of course had lines of their own. The first waves of people were already taking off as H and I sprinted to get in line to pee. Luckily, however, there were about 20,000 people running the race that day and they were arranged in corrals in order of their projected finish time. Which is to say that even though the race "started" at 7am, H's and my corral didn't cross the start line til more like 7:30. Here's some of those 20,000 people:

And here's the start line!!:

When we first started, I honestly wondered if I'd be able to remember how to run. I hadn't run since Thursday (3 days before), and I was so anxiously hyper-aware of my body that everything felt weird. Did my ankle always bend in that way? Did my foot always hit the ground at that funny angle? And what is it I'm supposed to do with my hands, again? After about a mile, though, everything sort of evened out. The Rock 'n' Roll races have bands and cheer squads set up every few miles, and right before the first turn there was a band playing Flight of the Conchords' "Business Time," except they had changed it to "Running Time." It was definitely one of the highlights of the race, and it was stuck in my head for days.

Going into the race, my friend H and I had tried to figure out a strategy that would balance my misguided NEED FOR SPEED with her bum hip which had been bothering her for the past month. We decided that we'd try to confine our walk breaks to the water stations (which were set up about every 1.5 miles). In training, I had usually only walked a minute a two for each mile, so I thought it was do-able. For the first few miles we were zooming along at a pace a little faster than our goal pace, but we had to run up a hill early on that apparently made H's hips flare up, and after that things got rough for awhile. We had a goal of finishing in less than 3 hours, but H started stopping for walk breaks more and more often, and sometime during the 6th mile I realized that there was no way we were going to make our goal at the rate we were going. I explained the situation to H and she tried to rally, but it wasn't going to happen. She kept telling me to go on without her, but I didn't want to because I was afraid she was going to give up. Finally, I made her promise to at least run some if she could, and then we hugged and high-fived and I took off to try to make up some time.

During miles 7 and 8, I was running at a pace much faster than I had planned, trying to get back on track. I felt OK though, so I didn't let up until I had 8 miles behind me and I was sure that I could finish on time. After that, I took a break to walk and eat the free packet of Gu some volunteers had handed me about half a mile back. During the race I carried a little bottle of water to drink from between water stations, so at each station I would drink a small cup or two of water and then take another cup or two to refill my bottle. Apparently at some point during my snack break, juggling the water bottle and the Gu packet and keeping my feet moving became too much for me, because about 10 min later I looked down and there was sticky blackberry-flavored gel dripped all across the front of my running shorts. Sexy! Something about running by myself, covered in Gu, while my friend struggled along somewhere behind me struck me as both hilarious and sad, all at once.

Of course the bright side is that when you're running for hours on end, the scenery is always changing, so I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on my berry-scented shorts. Overall, the route was really pleasant, as were the bands and the cheering crowds. The only part that dragged a little was the few miles in the middle that went through the naval base. At that point, there weren't a lot of trees for shade, and there weren't a lot of spectators either, so you were sort of on your own for motivation. As the race went on and I started to get tired, though, everything sort of faded into the background. After 10 miles, every step I took was officially The Farthest I Had Ever Run. From mile 10 to mile 11.5 or so, all I could think about was making it to the water station that was supposedly set up around mile 11.3. I say supposedly because it was definitely about a quarter-mile farther down the road than that, and at that point in the race a quarter mile was about 2 miles too far. I finally gave up and started walking early, only to see it in the distance about 30 seconds later. I ran again to mile 12, where I walked for a minute or two and gave myself a pep talk. It went something along the lines of, "You have to run now, and you have to run for a mile, and you can't stop until you're on the other side of the finish line. Don't be a loser, OK ready set go!" And then I ran.


The last mile is along the boardwalk, which you turn onto just past the 12-mile marker. As soon as I was by the beach there was a nice strong breeze in my face, which I think really helped sustain me through the end. My feet were so beaten up at that point that they were just kind of numb, and it felt like they were coated with concrete. I had that all-over tingly feeling that I get when I've pushed myself to the limits of my endurance, and even though my stomach wasn't exactly growling I had the distinct impression that food would be necessary soon. I was running as hard as I thought I could (and still maintain it for another mile), but I felt so worn out I was sure I must be going incredibly slowly. And yet... I looked at my watch and I was going a full minute per mile faster than my goal pace! All of the myths about race day adrenaline were true! After I got done being excited about how quickly I was going, I realized I was going to have to maintain that pace until the end and I became a little alarmed. Although it felt like the loooooongest mile of my life, I persevered, mostly because I started mentally listing people I was running "for." When I ran out of people to dedicate the last mile to, I moved on to abstract concepts, like social justice and H's hips. THEN I started listing things I wouldn't stop running for, as a way to convince myself that I was more dedicated to finishing the race than I was to money and happiness. Things that wouldn't have made me stop running included: a free PhD, a billion dollars, a brand-new dream home, a bear covered in razor wire, a threat on my family's life, and who knows what else. Finally, 8 years later, I crossed the finish line, arms over my head, a determined look welded to my face.

Time: 2:52:30ish. Under my goal by 8 minutes. And I'm confident I would have been faster if it weren't for the rocky start.

After that, it's all kind of a blur. There was free beer on the beach, and cooling our feet in the ocean, and naps and showers and dinner at P.F. Chang's (10% off!). And of course, celebratory booze. And then the next morning, we got up and returned to the scene of our recent glory for bike riding along boardwalk and a little lounging by the ocean. It was the best Labor Day weekend ever.


Postscript about my running buddy: She finished about 15 min after me, sprinting across the finish line like a champ, and then we dragged her to the medical tent to ice her hip. She went to the doctor today and they told her she might have a stress fracture, so now she has to be on crutches until they can take a picture of her bones. Basically, if you haven't run 13 miles on a broken hip lately, you can't touch my girl H. ;)

Things That Are Worse Than Breaking Up

1) Getting stabbed
2) Ebola virus
3) Being a Russian bride
4) Your pet getting run over by a car
5) Accidentally running over an animal with your car
6) Universal health care (apparently)
7) Grey's Anatomy
8) That fish that can swim up your urethra
9) Any time spent not making sweet love to Clive Owen
10) Dying before you've had a chance to burn everything you don't want your family to see (like that giant porn collection you have, Good Lord, what is with that?)
11) Getting drunk at a frat party and giving in to demands that you kiss your best friend only to see it posted on College Humor the next day and realize what a huge tool you truly are
12) Racism, OBVIOUSLY
13) That thing where you get bitten by a spider and then your skin rots for no reason
14) Touching a doorknob that some asshole has hooked up to a car battery
15) Being stricken with sudden, violent diarrhea while you're in a public place

So. Let's just all keep that in mind.

Gratitude, Days 29 & 30: Anytime Happy Fun-Time Magic

Tonight I'll be staying with Lee in order to be closer to the airport, so that tomorrow morning I can get up bright and early and pick up Kellie before we embark on our 9-hour drive to FLORIDA, BITCHES. (Pity me not for the 9-hour car drive, rather be jealous of the 4 days in Florida.) This means that tonight and tomorrow I'll be very busy and probably unable to internet some gratitude in your general direction. Thus, in order to close out this month of gratitude, I wanted to do something a little different. Since I've generally been writing about things for which I'm grateful that are sort of time-specific (for example, what I ate that day, the nap I took, a conversation I had, what I ate that day), I'm going to mix it up for the final post and make a list of 10 things I can do on any day that never fail to make me feel grateful for and happy about life. You know, like Chicken Soup for the Soul, but with less stories about children with cancer. So, here we go...

Ten Things That Generally Make Me Less Likely to Kick Someone
1) Running / exercising. Makes me feel like a champion.
2) Cleaning. It's soothing in its mindlessness, and at the end of it you get a sparkly apartment.
3) Crocheting. Similar to cleaning in mindlessness, except the end result is usually more like a coaster, or a hat that doesn't quite fit your giant head.
4) Blogging. Come up with stupid joke. Laugh at your own stupid joke. Repeat.
5) Walking around outside. Drink in the wonder of the natural world, feel at one with all living beings, and remember what sunshine feels like.
6) Journaling. Word-vomiting all of your insane neuroses into a private place sort of calls attention to how insignificant most of that stuff is. It's true what they say, that sometimes all it takes is just getting things off your chest, even if you can't fix any of it. Who knew?
7) Meditating. The act of focusing on clearing my mind and slowing myself down often emphasizes how scattered and amped up I usually am. Also, 'practicing' that calm feeling makes it a little bit easier to call it up whenever you need it.
8) Cooking a recipe I've never tried before. Sometimes I narrate it in my head as if I'm on Food Network.
9) Doing something creative. I guess some of the other things on this list fall into this category, too, but I just mean to say that a lot of relatively silly 'creative' activities can make me feel good. Such as: painting (even by numbers), making a collage from magazine photos (why? I don't know), and taking artistic photos of the gerbils (which sounds sort of dirty, but isn't really). No, I don't get out much. Why do you ask? Speaking of which...
10) Going out with friends. Sometimes I get anxious about hanging out with large groups of people, and it seems easier to just not do it, but I'm always glad that I did. For one thing, it's reassuring to be proven wrong when you think something isn't going to go well. And for another thing, it's a reminder that there are plenty of awesome people in the world, so you're never really alone in your rage and/or despondency.

What's interesting about a lot of these things is that most of the time when I contemplate them they sound suspiciously like 'work.' But I've hardly ever done them and not felt good afterward. I figure that starting grad school in the Fall is going to mean a large increase in the number of causes of compulsive fretting, so this list may come in handy as a reminder of simple (non-alcoholic!) things I can do to evaporate some of my Storm Cloud of Nervous Energy and Doom.

... And thus concludes Sharing Time Station's Month of Gratitude and Happy Thoughts to Help You Fly Like Peter Pan. Thanks again to Schmutzie for having a great idea that I could totally rip off and use for my own blog. We here at Sharing Time Station hope that you've enjoyed this exercise as much as we have, and that it hasn't been too terribly saccharine-sweet for the cynics out there. As a part-time hateful old codger myself, I understand how retch-inducing it can be to have someone else's unadulterated joy pushed on you like those Jesus pamphlets that guerilla Christians leave in public places.*

But that's not all! Today's blog has a surprise price of admission! It's sort of like a free stay at a timeshare that sounds like a lot of fun but then involves a lot of painful surprise high-pressure sales pitches. Since you willingly read this blog entry, you are now contractually obligated** to leave a comment telling me a) something you're grateful for today, b) some secret trick you have that always lifts your spirits, or, if you're feeling saucy, c) something that never fails to PISS YOU RIGHT OFF. And don't think you can just sneak away without leaving a comment. I can check the stats, I WILL KNOW.

*If anyone reading this has lived for any length of time in a U.S. state outside of the Bible Belt, do you know if people do this elsewhere? I have a feeling that people in New Jersey, for example, aren't always being accosted in the bathroom of their local Subway Sandwich Shop with literature about the fate of their eternal soul.
**I'll have to check this with my resident law student, but for now, just assume that it's true.

Gratitude, Day 28

Alright kids, are we feeling grateful today? If you're happy and you know it, leave a comment! As for me...

1) I recently discovered a new vegetarian sammich at Panera, which I'm pretty excited about. (the 'Mediterranean Veggie,' for those interested.) As you may have heard me mention from time to time, I'm a bit of a half-assed vegetarian (*brushes shoulder off*), so it's always nice to find food that is a) technically meat free, b) healthy, and c) tasty. Examples of things that don't quite fit all 3 of those requirements include french fries, ice cream, tofu, things made entirely from beans, and shoe leather.

2) I'd like to take a moment to directly address Reese's mini peanut butter cups: Hi guys, I'm so happy you're in my life.

3) I just remembered this scene from the other day:

*Boss's phone rings*
Boss: Hello? .... Ok, well I'm running a little late so you're going to have to hold tight for a little while... Yeah, I'm on the interstate right now but I'm stuck in traffic so I'm running behind... Yeah, like I said, I'm on my way but I see some traffic up ahead so it's going to take me a little longer than expected... Alright, I'll see you in a little while.

Hehe. This is great for two reasons. The first reason is that obviously, my boss was in his office for this entire conversation. The second reason is that he's generally a very honest, hard-working, upstanding guy, the kind of guy that makes me feel incredibly guilty for not utilizing every minute of every day to its fullest potential. For this second reason, it was very uplifting when I realized that even my boss, the Upright Citizen, has his dastardly moments.

4) Today I had a long, enjoyable conversation with Future Roommate. I think I've made a good choice by deciding to live with her, and having a good living situation can make all the difference between a miserable existence and good times. So hell yeah.

5) After Fringe is over, I'm going to bake cookies from scratch! Wish me luck!

Gratitude, Days 26 & 27

Well hello there, reader! How was your Monday? I know, I know - Mondays suck. But no matter! Monday is nearly over and soon we'll move on to Tuesday, which is... marginally better. Here's some things I feel good about today:

1) I bought this exfoliating "invigorating" face scrub that has menthol in it, and it makes my face feel all tingly, it feels so good. Indeed, I feel invigorated.

2) I'm leaving for Florida on Thursday, which means I only have to work 3 days this week. Oh hell yes.

3) Today I turned on the air conditioning for the first time this year. This is great news, since I like to keep it warm, so air conditioning is a lot cheaper than heat.

4) Saturday when I was talking about the warm weather, I forgot to mention another one of my favorite things, which is this: when it's hot outside, no one can judge you for taking your pants off as soon as you get home. It's a law.

5) I think I've managed to convince Future Roommate that we should to move into one of the apartment buildings I checked out on Saturday. I AM SO EXCITED.

6) I went shopping yesterday and bought some short sleeve shirts to wear to work now that it's warming up. Also, some tank tops, which are not work appropriate, but who cares? Mmm tank tops.

7) In tonight's episode of House, House threw a bachelor party for Chase, and Wilson took a tequila shot off a stripper, salt and lime and all. Wilson can [COMMENT REDACTED FOR ADULT CONTENT] me anytime.

8) Also, I like tequila. I'm grateful for tequila.

9) Last night I played Fallout 3 on Lee's computer for the first time in awhile, and now I'm addicted all over again.

10) I thought I was going to have to cook dinner when I got home tonight, but then I found leftover pizza! It was a close call, but I shall live to fight another day.

Gratitude, Days 24 and 25: Warm Weather Edition

Once again I've missed a day, so you know what that means: Double-Up Gratitude Extravaganza! Are you ready? Brace yourself!

1) First off I would like to be thankful for the fact that I finally buckled down and got some work done yesterday. I would also like to be thankful for the realization that even though I spent several days gnashing my teeth and wailing about how I didn't want to do that work, once I got down to doing it, it really only took me a couple of hours. Sheesh.

2) After work yesterday I went to my parents' house for dinner. Getting to my parents' house from my place involves a long stretch of rural highway, and I drove the whole way with the top down on my car, basking in the setting sun and writing a poem in my head about how I'd like to make love to Spring and Summer. (Preferably in some kind of all-girl three-way. Because I'm pretty sure they're girls.) While driving along in my car with the top down, I smelled some smells that made my heart sing. Among them were:

3) A charcoal grill.

4) Freshly mowed (mown?) grass.

5) Honeysuckle! Mother-effing honeysuckle! If someone would please compile and submit to me a list of places where honeysuckle doesn't grow, I would really appreciate it, as I don't ever intend to live in any of those places.

6) The gorgeous weather continued today, so I wore a tank top, skirt, and flip flops. I'm all for any weather that allows me to perform my day-to-day activities wearing as little clothing as possible.

7) While half-naked, I looked at some apartments. I managed to find a really nice place that Future Roommate and I can actually afford, so now if I can get her approval, we can submit an application and I can move on to worrying about something new.

8) Let's take a quick one-item break from all this talk about the nice weather. I am also thankful for the fact that even when I'm in the midst of explaining to Lee how I am completely right and he is hopelessly wrong, we can still make each other laugh.

9) Back to the good weather! This evening, as the sun was setting, I went for a run. Call me unimaginative, but I really can't think of many things more soul-soothing than listening to some chill music and setting out for a run at dusk on a warm day.

10) Once I finished my run, I sat down in the grass to stretch in the dark, and the song below came on my ipod, and I was one with the world, and it was good.

Gratitude, Day 23

Today was another, how shall we say... uneventful? day for me. I keep thinking of really great non-gratitude-related posts I could write and then instead of writing them, I take a nap. My productivity is astounding, if I do say so myself. Now here, enjoy some happy thoughts:

1) I am less than a week away from spending 4 days in Florida with Kiki! Wooooo!

2) I've been feeling a little bad about how incredibly unproductive I am, but I decided that my current state (excited about the future, a little bored with the tasks before me, fantasizing about the beach) is akin to "senior-itis," if you will. And if I got through my senior year of college OK, as useless as I was, I will get through the last 3 months of my First Real Job, by God.

3) My boss wasn't around today, so I was able to leave a little early and just take some stuff home to work on in the comfort of my own apartment. Sometimes it's nice to break free of the constraints of fancy work pants and terrible flourescent lighting.

4) I took another nap this evening. I'm not sure if I should be proud of this fact or ashamed, but it was mostly an enjoyable experience, so I think we're going to put it in the 'win' column.

5) The grad school website posted information about orientation today and I got SO PUMPED. I just want everyone to know that relatively soon, I will be buying textbooks. Man, I love buying textbooks. I think that fact alone may say more about me than the rest of the information on this website combined.

PS. The reason you haven't heard much more about my attempts to get up at 7:30 everyday is because they are still... not going well. BUT! I am getting up earlier? So, Baby Steps, or whatever.

Gratitude, Day 22

Today was uneventful, but I'll see what I can come up with, because I love you.

1) I gave blood today, which made me feel like a responsible member of society.

2) I'm also 80% sure that I was being hit on by the guy that got my blood started a-flowing.

3) I also also got a cookie for my troubles - an oatmeal cream cookie with chocolate chips. Congratulations, you gave blood, now you may dramatically spike the sugar level of the blood that remains.

4) I took a nap this evening. I'm not really sure why I waited until 7:30 to do this, or that I'm happy about the fact that now it's 10pm and my body isn't sure whether to be sleepy or wide awake, but - eh. It was a nap, naps are good things, it goes on the list.

5) The weather was gorgeous today! And it's my understanding that there's more of this stuff on the way.

Gratitude, Day 21

1) Great news! I got more work done today than I've gotten done in most days recently. This makes me feel good, like I haven't totally lost my mojo. I may succeed in grad school after all.

2) I'd like to spend some quality time with Walter from Fringe. We could hang out and sing show tunes and do crazy experiments with farm animals and mind-reading equipment. It would be brilliant.

3) Found a great new blog today! I'm working my way through the archives right now, where the author talks about her struggles with infertility. Her name is Alexa and her blog is flotsamblog.com.

4) I might get to go look at apartments in my future town this weekend! I like planning my future - it's exciting and it makes me feel like I'm in charge.

5) Because my bouquet from the wedding was made of artificial flowers, I can leave it sitting on top of my TV and be reminded of the good times as long as I want!

Gratitude, Day 20

Happy Monday! Let's talk good times!

1) There are several semi-feral cats that live around my apartment complex, and last night I went out to go get Second Dinner and ran into a really pretty long-haired orange one just hanging out on the sidewalk outside of my door. I didn't try to touch him or anything because RABIES! but I could tell he wanted to hang out and be my BFF. It was pretty exhilarating.

2) I went with a coworker to Panera for lunch today, and the weather was so nice that we sat outside. My arms even turned a little pink from the sun, which is not totally a good thing, but it's nice to know that it's almost warm enough for me to lay out and get a sunburn if I wanted to.

3) On a related note, when I got home from work today it was so nice outside that I cracked a window and sat around letting the stale air from the past 6 months clear out. I'm really hoping that the apartment I move in to this Fall will have a balcony or a patio so that I can spend more time being outdoorsy. Or, you know, my version of 'outdoorsy,' which consists mostly of sitting around outside looking at birds and reading and writing and pretending I'm Henry David Thoreau.

4) I'm watching TBS, and I just saw a commercial for My Name Is Earl where Earl's brother Randy says, "You know I get angry when I'm hungry. Like The Hulk, only I don't get all green and muscley, I just get dizzy and snap at people that don't deserve it." This is funny to me, because I often forget to eat and occasionally snap at people that don't deserve it.

5) Tracey of Sweetney started following me on twitter today and I felt like I touched a celebrity! It's only a matter of time until someone pays me to write a book about what it's like to be charming and brilliant and emotionally unstable. I'll keep you posted!

Gratitude, Days 18 & 19: Wedding Edition!

Hey everybody! I forgot to post my gratitude again yesterday, but you know how it is when you're in a wedding: everyone gets drunk and there's an orgy and then there's no time for writing on your blog. Anyway, it may be a good thing that I didn't do it yesterday, because I'm feeling a little melancholy today and it might help me out to list 10 things that make me happy. So here we go:

1) The wedding yesterday was beautiful. The weather was the best it possibly could have been for an outdoor wedding - sunny and clear and 75 degrees.

2) The groom was so solemn and sweet and sincere when he recited his vows that I almost cried. It's comforting to know that my friend married someone that loves her so much.

3) I love meeting the friends of my friends. I always get nervous about it for some reason, but then I'm pleasantly surprised to realize that my friends have great taste in people. I had a similar experience with this whole wedding thing, meeting people's significant others and the groom's friends, and pretty much all of them were great.

4) Yesterday was the first time I've ever had my hair and makeup professionally done, and let me tell you, it's enjoyable. It's nice having someone that isn't you rub brushes all over your face and make your hair all stiff and curly and adorable. I've decided to have it done every day forever and ever. Prepare to be blown away by my constant up-do.

5) At the reception, there was crab dip and chocolate cake!

6) At one point, the DJ played several love songs in a row until I was overcome with joy and forced to go out on the dance floor to sway and turn in a circle with my friend and Maid of Honor Shelly. It was basically just as beautiful and meaningful as if we'd been dancing with boys. (The boys were there, of course, they were just hanging out at the table and watching the hot girl-on-girl action.)

7) This evening I went to a work party and Future Roommate and I got gifts to celebrate the fact that we got into school and we're going to get educated. We also got cards that every one signed. It's nice to feel loved.

8) I also got to sit and have a nice conversation with my boss about things other than work, so that was cool. I like my boss.

9) I'm watching the series premiere of Fox's new semi-animated show "Sit Down, Shut Up," and one character just said this: "I'm idealistic. I believe in doing things that are unrealistic, or have no effect. That's just who I am!" It made me laugh because just today I had a long conversation with a social worker about how we've always wanted to "help people," even though sometimes it's really frustrating working with people that need help.

10) I love being half-asleep and cuddling with a handsome young man who is also half-asleep.

Hey, I feel much better already! Happy Sunday!

Gratitude, Days 16 & 17

Ok y'all, gotta be quick tonight because there's still a fair amount of stuff I need to do in order to be prepped for the wedding tomorrow. Here are the things I'm feeling grateful for tonight (10, because I'm making up for yesterday)...

1) I get to go to a wedding tomorrow!

2) I get to have my hair and makeup professionally done!

3) My boyfriend was kind enough to get the day off so he could come with me.

4) The groomsman I'm walking with is not creepy at all, in fact he's very nice and he's hopefully gonna help me with my serious and solemn "game day face."

5) I had chocolate mousse tonight and it was delicious.

6) I was doing rehearsal dinner things this evening from 4 until about 9 pm, and I'm pretty sure I was laughing and joking and giggling almost the entire 5 hours. I'm so lucky to have such adorable and hilarious people in my life.

7) Lee is doing my dishes for me, and all I have to do in return is give him the last Star Crunch cookie.

8) Wine! I'm having some!

9) I got a very pretty silver and pink necklace as a bridesmaid gift. It's sexy, and it solves my problem of not knowing what jewelry to wear tomorrow.

10) It was 65 degrees today and it's going to be at least 70 tomorrow! Hooray Springtime!

Alright, that's it. Sass Pizzazz out!

Gratitude, Day 15

Let's do this!

1) Today I went to the library for the first time in a loooong time. Oh man, I love the library. I love the way it smells like old books and the way it looks like the set of an educational film from the 70s or 80s and the feeling I get that I could learn everything in the world if I just spent enough time there. Do kids these days even go to libraries anymore? Children! I implore you, get yourself to a library! Read some books that don't belong to you! Borrow a VHS to watch on a rainy day! Bah. Kids.

2) I also found out today that my cousin has her own blog. Two of them, actually. And apparently she's a really good cook and she's crafty and bakes a lot of cupcakes. This is a much better revelation than when I found out that she was a Republican. I spent a lot of time reading her blogs this afternoon and it was a nice feeling, realizing that she's been out there having this full and exciting life that I wasn't even aware of. It's always uplifting, somehow, to find out that you're related to someone who's doing a good job at life. Makes you feel like there's potential in your genes, ya know?

3) I'm watching one of the 90 brazilian specials about the Duggar family right now. For sure, their intense devotion to single-handedly overpopulating the world is nuts. But it also seems like they're really sweet people, fundamentally. Obviously I can't say for sure because I've never met them, but just now I want to hug Michelle Duggar, with her sweet giggle and her poor overworked uterus. And the reason I'm grateful for that is because hugs are enjoyable.

4) Bought me an eyelash curler this evening. Prepare to get FANCY.

5) And finally, I'm grateful for the elf-magic that makes internet games like Zombie Hooker Nightmare possible.

The end.

Gratitude: Special Reflection Edition!

I've been working on this self-imposed gratitude project, dutifully listing my 5 things I'm grateful for every day for the past few weeks, kind of like an elaborate elementary school essay assignment. I'm not sure exactly what I expected to get out of it when I started, I just figured it would be something different to do, and something my legions of readers would be able to follow along with. And I guess I thought maybe it would give me some more zest for life, make me more the sort of person who stops and stares in wonder at tulips, or something. (Although the idea that I need anything to make me any more sentimental is kind of ridiculous. Do you have any idea how often I cry??) I'm not sure that I've experienced any kind of dramatic effect on my life (yet!), but I have noticed some habits of mine that I didn't previously pay much attention to.

For example, occasionally when I'm writing my daily list I feel an urge to spice it up, lest I be mistaken for some kind of giiiirl with earnest feeeeeelings. Yuck. For some reason it is a little disheartening and distasteful for me to just say, "These things fill me with joy: sunshine and lollipops and newborn puppies - er, guinea pigs. So there. The end." On the one hand, I think this is because I don't feel like it's entertaining, and when I have someone's attention (via blog or eyeholes or whatever), I feel compelled to entertain them. Also, it's a kind of vulnerability, telling people what you like. Telling people what you don't like makes you seem kind of badass, like some kind of Supreme Judge-y Judgerperson. People may disagree with you, but they will also fear that they will someday become the focus of your righteous ire, so they probably won't mess with you too much. On the other hand, bitching about things also makes me nervous I'm inadvertantly insulting someone I love, so pretty much it's best if I never share my thoughts ever, unless they're of the "Hitler was pretty mean guy" variety.

What was I saying? Sharing feelings, right. Anyway, sharing negative feelings makes you seem badass, but sharing positive feelings can make you vulnerable. You're saying, "This element of life is precious to me, it touches my soul in the most tender places." There's a fear that people can use this knowledge of what is precious to you to get to those tender places and jack them all up. This is why people fear being the first person to say 'I love you.' Because then the other person knows that they have gained access to an unprotected doorway to your heart, and they can use this knowledge however they like. Like when you're playing a video game and you're fighting the main boss guy and he's like a giant turtle or something and you figure out that if you jump on his shell in this one specific place it hurts him REALLY BAD. Point being, now that I've revealed my true feelings, nefarious types know that if they want to make me cry, all they have to do is murder baby guinea pigs in front of me.

If you're just tuning in, you're reading "Trust Issues," with Ms. Pizzazz.

At any rate, I realized that I feel a little uncomfortable sharing pure, unadulterated positive feelings (at least in the form of gratitude-related posts). It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. So, there's that to reflect upon.

Another thing I've noticed is that when I sit down and start trying to think of good things about my day, or things that I'm feeling satisfied with, I mostly think of things that didn't happen. What I mean is, instead of thinking of good things I experienced that day, all I can think of our bad things I expected to experience, but which ultimately didn't occur. Examples include: 'at least I didn't have to spend $500 on my car like I thought I would,' or 'I expected to get fired today but I didn't,' or 'at least I wasn't murdered in my sleep.' I could understand this sort of attitude from someone whose life is legitimately difficult (Quadruple amputee: "I'm just grateful I wasn't decapitated today"), but I think that I'm probably spoiled enough that I should be able to be grateful for actual positive things, and not just a lack of shittiness. So in that sense it's been a useful exercise, because it's made me question my usual attitude toward life. I mean, how happy can you really be when you just spend the whole day waiting for bad things to happen? So let's turn that it into some sort of positive resolution to live life better: I'm gonna try to... uhh... not be so... pessimistic and anxious? Wait. I think I already made that resolution once. Every year of my life since 6th grade.

Moving on... the final thing I've noticed as a result of this gratitude exercise is that when I finally move past the "well at least the gerbils didn't burst into flames today" mentality, 90% of the things I manage to come up with are either food- or TV-related. This explains why I keep having the nagging sensation that I am chunky and uninteresting. It also makes me grateful for the fact that in August I'll be moving in with someone who is a) a human being, capable of conversation and socialization and b) super-active and fit and marathon-y. Bam! Two birds with one stone! She can teach me how to do things like be tall and thin and leave the house, and I'll teach her how to do things like share all her feelings with the unconditionally accepting glow of the internet.

In conclusion, making a daily list of things for which you are grateful will make you stronger, more fearless, and more optimistic. You will also lose weight and make more friends. If that sounds like too much trouble though, you can still get all of these benefits from just reading my blog. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Gratitude, Day 14

1) For no reason, there were brownies and ice cream at work this afternoon! How exciting!

2) Also, Taco Bell for dinner! I don't usually eat Taco Bell on a regular basis, but this was called-for because I tried to eat it on Saturday but I couldn't because I was feeling sick, which ruined the only Taco Bell experience I was going to have for months. So. Do over! (Also, if you don't like Taco Bell, YOU JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. We aren't looking for dissenting opinions here, take that shit to the Supreme Court. (Judicial humor. Gets em every time.))

3) I can't imagine many more luxurious experiences than doing your nails while watching one of your favorite TV shows. It's times like this when I feel like I know what it's like to be royalty. Except for there isn't any hemophilia and I don't mind if common people touch me. Well, I sort of mind, but not enough to say anything.

4) Also: now my toenails are pink!

5) I get so excited when I have email. Doubly so when it's not junk mail or work-related. It's the little things that matter most.

Gratitude, Day 13

Let's do this!

1) I love that sweet, sleepy, faraway voice that people use to answer the phone when they've just woken up.

2) Today, just when I was needing it the most, someone came along and let me talk about my troubles and get things off my chest. It was nice of the universe to provide that for me, rather than just letting me sit and obsess on my own.

3) Sometimes my boss is just so nice and cheerful that it makes me feel better about life.

4) I'm grateful that I have my own office, and that I don't have to deal with all of the hard times associated with working in a cubicle. Since I'm not really a recognized expert at anything (other than being awesome! yeah!), I'm pretty lucky to have such luxury.

5) Watching My Name Is Earl makes me feel like everything in life will work out just as long as you try to do the right thing. What can I say? I'm impressionable.

And since today's list has been pretty wholesome and lame, here's this, just to liven things up... (It's old-ish, but one of my favorites, by far.)

Gratitude, Days 11 and 12

Oh hell! I forgot to be grateful yesterday! Don't worry, to make up for that, I'm going to be grateful for 10 things today...

1) Bachelorette party! It was awesome. We drank, we talked about sex, we watched Venture Brothers. Good times all around. (Don't worry Internet, we only talked about sex because that's what you have to talk about when someone is about to get married. I covered my ears for most of it.)

2) (Also about the bachelorette party) Shelly picked out a sparkly tiara that said 'Bachelorette' for Jessica to wear. It brought me great joy.

3) (Also also about the bachelorette party) Shelly's boyfriend was our chaperone for the evening, and he amused himself by pretending he couldn't hear what we were saying and drawing sweet sketches of things like a drunken redneck dolphin and Dwight from The Office. He's a famous cartoonist, and his art really brought something special to the evening, I think. (Shelly, if you're reading this, you should pimp your man and his skillz in the comments.)

4) Today I had delicious cinnamon buns with icing for breakfast. Mmm.

5) As always, I am thankful for my adorable boyfriend. He's a pretty nice guy.

6) Oooh! I am also thankful for the History Channel, which edutains me with information on such diverse topics as crucifixion and how aliens made it possible for Egyptians to use light bulbs in their underground tombs.

7) Dad's birthday was this weekend so I got to go home and eat some of my mom's outstanding home cooking. (Which was really nice since I've been eating out lately because the dishes are dirty. Which dishes? Pretty much all the dishes.)

8) Going home also let me hang around with my family for an extended period of time (although not long enough). I'm lucky enough to have family that loves me and understands me so well. At some point tonight we were watching TV and I opened my mouth to make some kind of snarky comment, but before I could my brother said EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. It's like we both came from the same obnoxiously sarcastic gene pool, or something.

9) Also while I was at home, my parents' weird, antisocial, semi-feral cat Ninja came out of the shadows to eat. Usually if I make eye contact with her, she runs out of the room, but she actually hung around and let me look at her for a change. I couldn't have been more excited if I had seen a Yeti in the wild.

10) Even though I was gone for three days, the gerbils are still alive. Thank goodness.

BONUS ITEM PLUS VIDEO: 11) I just remembered that the other day at my friend's house I saw baby guinea pigs for the first time, and they were ADORABLE. And they have continued to bring me great joy every time I have remembered them since. Holla to any baby guinea pigs that might be out there reading this now!!!1!1!!

Gratitude, Day 10

Alright, I better get grateful now, because I'm leaving in a little while to go to...

1) A bachelorette party! This might be an iffy sort of thing if the bride-to-be were someone different, but since I'm 99% sure that there won't be penis paraphernalia involved, I'm feeling pretty good about it. And I think that even if there are penises, we'll somehow manage to have a good time anyway.

2) I've just put some makeup on and I think I look pretty foxy. Since I don't wear makeup that often (beyond some mascara and blush), I'm always a little shocked when it turns out well.

3) Tonight gives me an excuse to wear my slutty brown boots!

4) I got to sleep in SO HARD this morning.

5) My boyfriend makes me laugh even when I sort of want to punch him in the face.

See y'all tomorrow! Here's hoping I'm not hungover!

Gratitude, Day 9

I was just thinking, "Man, I'd really like to choke a bitch," when I realized that I had almost forgotten to be grateful today. So, here's hoping that taking some time out to appreciate life will stop me from planning elaborate violence on a hooker.*

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1) I get tomorrow off! If you, like me, get time off for Easter, you should probably join me in being thankful to Jesus. Even if you're not a Christian and you're skeptical about whether or not he died for your sins, I think you can agree that at the very least he died for your day off.

2) I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who is as honest and open with me as he is, out of respect to my slight insanity.

3) Two - TWO! - new episodes of The Office tonight!

4) All of my plants appear to be really healthy, in spite of the fact that I don't really water them on what you'd call a 'regular schedule.' Having plants around really adds some vibrance to a living situation. Especially when your other decorative efforts include a slipcover you made yourself and some half-burned candles.

5) I've been rereading 'Lovingkindness' by Sharon Salzberg, and I think it's having a positive effect on how I interact with people and react to daily nonsense. For one thing, I think recently reading this book is one of the reasons I'm not more actively hostile right now (see above, re: hookers*). I'd recommend it to anyone who is into touchy-feely self-improvement type things.

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*When I say 'hooker,' I don't necessarily mean 'a woman who performs sexual acts in exchange for money' (although yeah, possibly that too, in this case). What I really mean is 'a woman who is currently cruisin for a bruisin from my fists of justice and vengeance.'

Gratitude, Day 8

1) The sun doesn't set til 8pm now! HA! I can finally get back to living my life without feeling like some kinda damn night creature.

2) Whenever I hear "It's Been Awhile" by Staind, I want to get all angsty and grab my boyfriend and make out with him hardcore high school-style. And for some reason that makes me smile.

3) I was worried today because I hadn't finished my assignment in time for my meeting, but then I got to the meeting and found out no one finished their assignments! Yes! (Let's hope tomorrow goes similarly, because I'm probably not going to have much to show at that meeting, either.)

4) My personal trainer (lame, I know) makes me do this thing he calls "The Mountain Climb." It's difficult to describe, so just trust me when I say that it's difficult and I hate it. But TODAY I suddenly somehow got good at it, and now it doesn't make me want to die. Tomorrow, I think I'll run a marathon.*

5) Hot Pockets!


*Not really.